From: Lloyd <[email protected]>
Subject: Lost Star Trek episode
Date: 1995/06/29
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
organization: Borland Intl
newsgroups: rec.humor


Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.


<Pichard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"

<Geordi>"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways.
Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system
resources at an unstoppable rate."

<Pichard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt.
Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version
of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially
with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough.
Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over
and none will be available for their normal operational functions."


<Pichard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that
'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command
unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however
have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

<Pichard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their
is something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
sending in their registration cards.

<Riker> "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity
has suddenly dropped to 0% !"


<Pichard> "Data, what does your scanners show?"

<Data> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

<Pichard> "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

<Geordi> "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon
to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

<Pichard> "How much time will that buy us ?"

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate
an interest time span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

<Pichard> "Identify."

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

<Over the speakers>
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.
WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE.
YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

<Pichard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

<Riker> "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures
of deep space ?!"

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized
by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing

Armani suits"

<Riker and Pichard together horrified> "Lawyers !!"

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

<Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived."

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'
it often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

<Pichard> "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."

<Pichard> "Mr. LaForge, what's the current status on the Borg ship?"

<Geordi> "They are still undergoing heavy attack from Microsoft's Shark team.
Wait!  They lawyers backing off...It looks like the Borg must have
negotiated a  site wide license."

<Pichard> "Damn!  Data, what's your analysis?"

<Data> "Sir, I am reading some interesting program changes in the Borg's
command pathways.  They are spending an enourmous amount of effort
evaluating a program left by Microsoft."

<Riker> "What are you talking about Data?"

<Data> "It appears to be a new program, I am trying to isolate it's description.
The Microsoft registry reports the new program as Win stardate 7451332 Build  455."

<Pichard> "Well, that should take care of them."

<Geordi> "I don't think so sir.  The Borg have managed to isolate this new
program to only a small part of their collective intelligence.  They are
referencing this node as an 'evaluation team'."

<Pichard> "How long until the program proliferates Mr. LaForge?"

<Geordi> "It's hard to tell Captain.  But from the amount of sub-space
communication being transmitted to the Microsoft space station 'Help Desk',
I'd  say it will be a while before th..."

<Data> "Sir, the Borg ship is rapidly regaining resources.  I estimate
2 minutes before they will be able to attack."

<Pichard> "Options"

<Riker> "We could offer this new Windows to other members of the Borg."

<Pichard> "Sell them a Beta version of a product? That goes against
the Prime Directive.  Besides, Number 1, it would take too long to install...
we don't have the time."

<Geordi> "I've got it!!  Data, insert this program into the Borg's command  pathways."

<Data> "Very interesting...Initiating transfer...Sir, the Borg have completely
stopped working on restoring their systems."

<Riker> "What is it? What did you do?"

<Pichard> "It's going to be OK Number 1. <grin>  Geordi, did you send them
the program I think you sent?"

<Geordi> "Yes sir, Netscape v1.1

Please don't rip me off!